Another year, another reality check.

They say it’s perfectly normal to react in self-destructive ways. 

Drink, smoke, toke, let go. I never imagined that along with destructing my ability to walk or think straight, that I had also destructed my ability to feel - the only substance connecting me to the real world. 

I can only assume that the whirlwind of emotions I’d so passionately endured, have created a force so strong that it diminished all my sense of emotion and compassion. I have truly lost the presence of emotion. 

After facing battering to my self-esteem, flesh and common sense in the past - I thought that I would be able to go through the issue of letting go again. Especially when your heart’s shrivelling in the outcome of being rejected by theirs. It’s never easy. It’s always tough. What strikes me most is I’m finding it neither. 

No anger. No regret. No pain. However, there is no enlightenment. No relief. No smiles. Just an empty vessel struggling and dying to feel SOMETHING.

I tried to provoke a reaction by confronting myself with memoirs that would make me feel complete in times of bliss but destroy me in times of harsh reality and hurt. Looking at the photos, the souvenirs of an emotional rollercoaster, the sentimental notes…nothing. 

I would give anything to feel again. Anything. When I asked you to feel compassion.. I never dreamed you would steal mine.